Basic understanding of the ‘Future Combat Squad’ story.

This is a post for all those who’ve asked about the Future Combat Squad or why I have dog tags with the name Jamiroquai on it. I’ve just spent the past hour writing down bullet points & turning it into a story, which is pretty much made up with plot holes & rather terrible grammar just so you can all have a better idea about this inside joke that me & my mate came up with.

This is the story of the Future Combat Squad.

A long time ago during spring of 2011, my best friend Darren & I went out for coffee. We were sitting down, having a lovely hot chocolate while talking about the large number of girls that we where having sex with. I then got up to order us another drink. Once I got back, Darren started to tell me that he was actually Darren from the future & that he had just knocked out present day Darren, stole all his clothes & hid him in the mens room.

I sat back down & told him to shut up as he’s talking utter shit, but he then explained to me how he’s from the far away future of 2014 & that he came back in time to stock up on tea as “Future Terrorists” have destroyed the world’s supply of tea, as well as to save our friendship. I then asked Darren about what happened to our friendship in the future & he explained to me that in the future I became a low life self centred jerky piece of shit, who could only think about himself & tried to stop him from fulfilling his dream. I then asked him what I did to ruin our friendship, and he told me that I tried to stop him from building a time machine, and on that day he lost me as his best friend, while I lost my legs as he cut them off with cheese wire. I couldn’t believe what I found out, how my best friend cut off both my legs simply because he wanted to build a time machine?

Once I got my head around things, I asked him to go over everything just so I could understand what happened: “So you’re Darren from the future?”. He replied “Yes”. “Present day Darren is knocked out in the mens room?” Again he replied with a yes and a smile on his face. “You’re a crazy man from the future who has came back to gather tea & save our friendship, even though you cut off my legs?” Once again he replied with yes. “And I’m the only one who knows you’re here in the present day?”. “Yes, you’re right again Kerr!” Said Darren with a much bigger smile on his face. I then looked around the coffee shop to see if anyone was around and then looked back at Darren; “So, if I kill you, I’ll get away with it?” Darren replied with another yes, before he realised what I just said. We stared at each other for a while before Darren jumped to his feet, trying to run away from me.

I caught up to Darren & then stabbed him a number of times, before I walked away from him body. I thought I’d killed him, but just before he was about to bleed to death, he travelled forward in time to a date where he knew the winning numbers of the lottery. He won the lottery & used the money to set up his own private army called the ‘Future Combat Squad’. He held open interviews to recruit members of the Future Combat Squad, where anyone could show up & get a job working along-side Future Darren. He dealt with the interviews by surveying each persons passport before giving the actual interview.

After a long hard day of interviews & telling the interviewees to fuck off because their passport photos where to ugly, a man with no legs walked into the interview room & handed over his passport to Future Darren. The man’s passport didn’t have either a first or second name on it, just the name Jamiroquai and a picture of a black guy. Future Darren then lowered the passport to see what had happened to be me. My legs had been cut off and I was looking really pissed off at Future Darren. Although, due to Darren losing his sanity & looking at the passport before looking at me, he thought I was actually a black guy called Jamiroquai. He then offered me a job in the Future Combat Squad & then promoted me, as he liked my style, as well as giving me robot legs.

The End. 

I want Scott Balfour (A.K.A @scottbalf) in and around my mouth.

Ohhhh yeah!